Three things you didn't know about Welsh history

Happy St. David's Day to all of our Welsh archaeologists, enthusiasts and ex-pats! It's a day of celebration and a great day to be Welsh, and BASS is already celebrating with a double pint of Brains SA. We've heard that there are many pluses to being Welsh, but here's a few things about Welsh history that you were probably unaware of.

Reconstruction

• Ancient Welsh cannibals inhabited the South Wales Valleys

Nestled deep in the Cynon Valley, archaeologists have uncovered a hasty pit burial with at least sixteen incomplete skeletons. The bones show tool and teeth marks, indicating that the meat had been picked clean off the bones. Incised into one of the bones was the proto-Welsh phrase,

"ar yr amod ein bod yn bwyta'r Saesneg"

which roughly translates in our modern tongue as "So long as we eat the English". The significance of this find is yet to be determined.

Cheers, Billy!

• Wales lets itself get 'invaded' whenever it needs new buildings 

Ever the quick thinking, industrious people, the Welsh don't see the need to create their own strongholds when they can have others do it for them. In CE 47, the Welsh conspired to allow Roman governor Publius Ostorius Scapula access into the country on condition that he get cracking on building some forts. This he did in earnest and when the Romans buggered off again in CE 410 they had a country's worth of free forts.

When the forts started to get into a bit of disrepair, they let the English in. Taking advantage of William the Conqueror (a.k.a Billy Bastard)'s enthusiasm to run around building stuff, the Welsh opened its doors to him and let him crack on with Chepstow Castle in 1067. Now the Welsh had a country's worth of castles. That's ingenuity right there. The fact that Cardiff Castle has a Norman castle built on top of foundations of a Roman fort pretty much proves this.

Don't hitch your horse there, milord!

• Medieval Welshmen figured out what Stonehenge was all about

A little known passage from The Mabinogi was discovered in a 14th Century wine cellar in Gwynedd, in which the Prince of Dyfed speaks of the 'circle of blue stone'. The tattered parchment has revealed a few, faded words,

"y cylch o gerrig glas, o bosib y mwyaf a gynlluniwyd yn wael sefydlog awyr agored a welais erioed"

which roughly translates as, "The cirlce of blue stones, possibly the most poorly designed open-air stable I have ever seen"

Stonehenge confirmed to visually represent being pissed

New research by B.A.S.S. at Salisbury has revealed that when you imbibe a minimum quantity of 9 tankards of Wiltshire's finest scrumpy, you start hearing things. If you imbibe said scrumpy in the middle of a field, the sounds start forming shapes. If you're both religious and completely Fatty's Leg* in this field, well, you start building circular monuments. Makes sense, when you think about it.

These rigourous tests were confirmed by science-types who believe that Stonehenge's shape is based on the shape of a sound when in the middle of a field. They say that there would have been two instruments on either side of the field playing the same note to create this. We know this to be nonsense.

Scenario: It's 3,500 BCE. You are a Druid high priest, and you've had a skinful of the chief's finest fermented goat's piss. You get completely lost and end up stonking drunk in the middle of a field. On your right, your best mate is calling you over to him for another snifter. On your left, your wife is calling you over to give you an earful. Your carefully god-kissed and inebriated mind swirls the two sounds together and makes this circular pattern before your eyes. Then you pass out on top of a fox.

B.A.S.S. has cordoned off the entire site of Stonehenge for further investigation. 40 tonnes of nitroglycerin have been ordered from EBay, and we expect to get at least 3 feet down by tea time. Our aim is to find some Neolithic tankards buried beneath the Heelstone to corroborate with our theory.



*the state of being completely beyond repair i.e. "f**king f**ked as f**k"