Friday, 24 February 2012

Stonehenge confirmed to visually represent being pissed

New research by B.A.S.S. at Salisbury has revealed that when you imbibe a minimum quantity of 9 tankards of Wiltshire's finest scrumpy, you start hearing things. If you imbibe said scrumpy in the middle of a field, the sounds start forming shapes. If you're both religious and completely Fatty's Leg* in this field, well, you start building circular monuments. Makes sense, when you think about it.

These rigourous tests were confirmed by science-types who believe that Stonehenge's shape is based on the shape of a sound when in the middle of a field. They say that there would have been two instruments on either side of the field playing the same note to create this. We know this to be nonsense.

Scenario: It's 3,500 BCE. You are a Druid high priest, and you've had a skinful of the chief's finest fermented goat's piss. You get completely lost and end up stonking drunk in the middle of a field. On your right, your best mate is calling you over to him for another snifter. On your left, your wife is calling you over to give you an earful. Your carefully god-kissed and inebriated mind swirls the two sounds together and makes this circular pattern before your eyes. Then you pass out on top of a fox.

B.A.S.S. has cordoned off the entire site of Stonehenge for further investigation. 40 tonnes of nitroglycerin have been ordered from EBay, and we expect to get at least 3 feet down by tea time. Our aim is to find some Neolithic tankards buried beneath the Heelstone to corroborate with our theory.

*the state of being completely beyond repair i.e. "f**king f**ked as f**k"

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